Joined At The Hip.

To say that we are inseparable would be an understatement; right now, we two are one, as we were when I carried her in my belly for all those weeks and months. Our worlds revolve around each other. We sleep, laugh, play together, my heart aches when she is sad and nothing makes me happier than to see her smiling.

Sometimes, her need for me is exhausting. I understand her anxiety, that I provide reassurance, safety, security when I hold her. Sometimes I wish she weren't so 'needy', that she would be just as happy with S, that it were easier for me to soak in the bath or take Pearl for a walk without hearing her start to fuss. Sometimes she is inconsolable until I take her in my arms, when her cries become muffled sobs as she buries her face in my shoulder. Sometimes her brow furrows and she shouts angrily at me, as if to say 'how dare you leave me, Mumma, when I needed you!', though she never stays angry for long. Her little arms reach for me when others hold her and I feel the relief as her muscles relax when I take her back. I am her safety net, her comfort blanket. I never knew how tiring it could be to have such epic responsibility.

I'd be lying, though, if I said I didn't love it. I know that her anxiety will pass, that she'll learn I'll come back when I leave and that independence is fun and exciting. I may moan my lack of alone time and my aching arms but when I feel her little body snuggle close, it's all worth it.

So for now, we are joined. We're taking it one day at a time, meeting new people, experiencing different sights and sounds. I encourage her to play independently and cover her with kisses when she starts to fuss. I leave her with a 'bye baby, I'll be back soon' and return with smiles and cuddles. I know I'll miss the way she needs me one day so I try not to take it for granted, no matter how difficult it can be at times. My little baby won't be little forever, after all!

Love, K.